just incase someone sees this..

i dont know what made me think about this blog but i really want to write one more post. i know i used to write about what i was struggling with in life so heres whats happened to me this year..

in january/february i somehow managed to loose my best friend, the only person i ever felt understood me or even cared about me. i struggled a hell of a lot and broke down every day because of pressures at home and school.

in march/april/may my mammar, the greatest person i have ever met got diagnosed with lung cancer from her years of smoking just after she had made the decision to quit. after a short time going in and out of hospital and having me and my family take care of her 24/7, she passes away and i still find it hard to smile every day when i realise shes no longer here.

in june/july/august/september i spent a lot of time taking hospital trips to prepare for my spinal surgery. i spent 6 days in hospital recovering from the 5 hour operation and im still not fully recovered yet.

but in the middle of all this i have found that i have amazing strength. this is what should have been the worst year of my life but this is also the year that i have managed not to self harm even once. i have become a lot closer to my mum who i have never felt close with before and for nearly 4 months i have had the best boyfriend a girl could wish for. this has been such a tough year yet such a good year and im glad that i have been able to battle all of the awful thoughts to make it to this year and be able to be proud of myself for how strong i have managed to be.

hey..

if youre reading this fuck off. i dont use this blog any more. get your head out your arse and stop trying to know what im thinking. we were done a year ago. bye.

Its Been A While...

I realised that i havent written on this blog for a while. i thought about how i used it as a vent for things that were going wrong and then i thought about how my mum has started being double the bitch she was, how people keep bringing up things from when i was drunk that id rather forget, finding out more family crap, stress im under for gcses and how my ex still thinks that he can treat me like shit. i realised that i havent wrote about this because ive finally found a way to cope with shit that goes off. i have been so determined that after how aweful the past few years have veen, i am going to have a good year and that has given me a new outlook on life . from now on im living my life by this "fuck the rules- do what you want and have fun doing it. fuck people who dont like you - its their loss. fuck yesterday - its all in the past. fuck lads- ill wait for someone to treat me well because i refuse to settle for less. but most of all fuck society- it sucks!

PEACE OUT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

It Is Possible...

I ohrealise that i normally post a lot of depressing crap on here but this is a happy post.
This time last year i was really down all the time. i was crying myself to sleep nearly every night, i was faking a smile every day, i was really struggling with self harm and people were starting to find out about it, the voices started and my head was the scariest place i knew.
Now i am truely happy. my smile is real, i am loving life, i have managed 5 months without cutting even though it has been one of the hardest things ive ever done and i am so proud of myself for turning my life around. if i can do it, then so can you. if i got through without the anti depressants i was given, then so can you. yes its hard, but its possible and its the best thing i have ever done.

OUCH....

Im lay in bed with my feet swollen and bruised from 4 hours dancing in heels at a night club last night.
i saw my exs sister - ouch. a lad who i completely blew it with and is completely adorable- ouch. a lad who was a complete dick to me and spent all night with some girl - ouch. and im pretty sure i saw the girl i like with a lad - ouch.
BUT i had a fucking amazing night! i danced more than i ever have in my life, saw my cousin who i havent seen in years, had a good laugh with my mates and ive ended up talking to some lad who i may or may not end up getting with. oh, and i met jack mcmullen (fin sharkey from waterloo road) who signed both my hands.
last night tought me to fuck all the crap that is gonna be flung my way and have fun with all the good stuff.
PEACE OUT MOTHERFUCKERRSSSS

My Best Friend..

I was tweeting some shit about how i wish i had someone to talk to so my best friend texted me to see what was up. i said i was just annoyed cos i liked someone at my dancing and i know that no matter what they would never feel the same. she said that they might do and i said that i knew for fact they wouldnt so she asked why. i made her promise thay nothing would change between us if i told her then said 'its cos im pretty sure that shes straight'
Thank you so much, chelsey. you were so supportive of me finally coming out as bi. ive known for a year or two now and you were the first person i told. i was so scared to say abything as i know how awful people can be but you were great with it. ive been trying all year to finally come out. youve given me the strength to know that one day i will be able to tell everyone. you will never know how much this means to me. i love you so much! thank you <3

I Love You

since HIM, ive had a massive problem with these three words. i loved you, you said you loved me too but that was bullshit. you dont hurt the person you love.
then there was you. you said that you really wanted to be with me, let me  fall for you too and said you loved me to which i replied 'bullshit'.  i was right. we met up, you tried it on with me but i wouldnt let you go further than kissing and you never spoke to me since. funny idea of love.
then my mum heard me say 'love you' to my best friend befwore hanging up the phone and asked why i never said it to her. well,mum, chels has never said that i have a flabby belly, i look like a scruff, i have tiny boobs, i have massive thighs or anything else like that which you feel the need to constantly remind me about.
fuck i love you. i hate people.