hey..

if youre reading this fuck off. i dont use this blog any more. get your head out your arse and stop trying to know what im thinking. we were done a year ago. bye.

Its Been A While...

I realised that i havent written on this blog for a while. i thought about how i used it as a vent for things that were going wrong and then i thought about how my mum has started being double the bitch she was, how people keep bringing up things from when i was drunk that id rather forget, finding out more family crap, stress im under for gcses and how my ex still thinks that he can treat me like shit. i realised that i havent wrote about this because ive finally found a way to cope with shit that goes off. i have been so determined that after how aweful the past few years have veen, i am going to have a good year and that has given me a new outlook on life . from now on im living my life by this "fuck the rules- do what you want and have fun doing it. fuck people who dont like you - its their loss. fuck yesterday - its all in the past. fuck lads- ill wait for someone to treat me well because i refuse to settle for less. but most of all fuck society- it sucks!

PEACE OUT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

It Is Possible...

I ohrealise that i normally post a lot of depressing crap on here but this is a happy post.
This time last year i was really down all the time. i was crying myself to sleep nearly every night, i was faking a smile every day, i was really struggling with self harm and people were starting to find out about it, the voices started and my head was the scariest place i knew.
Now i am truely happy. my smile is real, i am loving life, i have managed 5 months without cutting even though it has been one of the hardest things ive ever done and i am so proud of myself for turning my life around. if i can do it, then so can you. if i got through without the anti depressants i was given, then so can you. yes its hard, but its possible and its the best thing i have ever done.

OUCH....

Im lay in bed with my feet swollen and bruised from 4 hours dancing in heels at a night club last night.
i saw my exs sister - ouch. a lad who i completely blew it with and is completely adorable- ouch. a lad who was a complete dick to me and spent all night with some girl - ouch. and im pretty sure i saw the girl i like with a lad - ouch.
BUT i had a fucking amazing night! i danced more than i ever have in my life, saw my cousin who i havent seen in years, had a good laugh with my mates and ive ended up talking to some lad who i may or may not end up getting with. oh, and i met jack mcmullen (fin sharkey from waterloo road) who signed both my hands.
last night tought me to fuck all the crap that is gonna be flung my way and have fun with all the good stuff.
PEACE OUT MOTHERFUCKERRSSSS

My Best Friend..

I was tweeting some shit about how i wish i had someone to talk to so my best friend texted me to see what was up. i said i was just annoyed cos i liked someone at my dancing and i know that no matter what they would never feel the same. she said that they might do and i said that i knew for fact they wouldnt so she asked why. i made her promise thay nothing would change between us if i told her then said 'its cos im pretty sure that shes straight'
Thank you so much, chelsey. you were so supportive of me finally coming out as bi. ive known for a year or two now and you were the first person i told. i was so scared to say abything as i know how awful people can be but you were great with it. ive been trying all year to finally come out. youve given me the strength to know that one day i will be able to tell everyone. you will never know how much this means to me. i love you so much! thank you <3

I Love You

since HIM, ive had a massive problem with these three words. i loved you, you said you loved me too but that was bullshit. you dont hurt the person you love.
then there was you. you said that you really wanted to be with me, let me  fall for you too and said you loved me to which i replied 'bullshit'.  i was right. we met up, you tried it on with me but i wouldnt let you go further than kissing and you never spoke to me since. funny idea of love.
then my mum heard me say 'love you' to my best friend befwore hanging up the phone and asked why i never said it to her. well,mum, chels has never said that i have a flabby belly, i look like a scruff, i have tiny boobs, i have massive thighs or anything else like that which you feel the need to constantly remind me about.
fuck i love you. i hate people.

Pissed Off...

You said that nobody has once asked you how your grandad is and that makes us shit friends cos he is going to die. I used to ask all the time and you said he was getting better. i stopped asking cos you stopped talking about it and i thought it was something you didnt want to speak about. but hey, my grandad is dying too. have you aked me at all, even once? no. have i called you a shit friend for that? no. you say your mammar will move in with an auntie you refuse to visit because shes married to someone you dont like? well stop being such a stubborn bitch then. go see her. and you had the nerve to call yourself a young carer and then complain about having to walk your dog? youre pathetic! young carer is a full time thing and they do anything they can to help. what do you do? you look after your brother and sister while your mum goes to visit your grandparents. not a young carer. everybody does that. its called helping out and giving back to your parents whove looked after you for all these years! and then you had a bitch about your 'best friend' yeah she isnt perfect but she does her best and she is always there. you are the shit friend for calling her a heartless bastard. fuck you.

today...

today was the day that you called me beautiful. that you said i was perfect. today was also the day i left the house with no makeup on at all and my hair scraped back. thank you. youll never know how happy you made me :)

Do You Know What Hurts?...

i was there for my best friend of 8 years when she had an ED. when her mum was ill. when her mum was suffering from depression. when her pshyco ex was stalking her abd threatening to kill her. when her mum flipped out at her, ragged her around the room and she turned up on my doorstep shaking and crying because she had nowhere to go. through her SI. and loads more. 

i sat next to her in lesson today. she was excited about her 16th birthday tomorrow. then someone asked who was going out with them at the weekend for her birthday. i havent been invited. yeah, so much for best friends. after all ive been there for you through, you dont even invite me out for your birthday. thanks.

Picture Day...

I dont see one thing that is even remotely good looking about myself. i sat and cried while getting ready for school today because i knew i was going to have to have my picture taken. it takes at least 10 shots for me to get a photo i like but school ones are done in one take.  i have so little self convidence but nobody really knows that. of course they dont, i hide it from the world with a big, fake smile.

Hey :)

So... new blog :) Cant write on the old one anymore cos people who i dont want seeing my business read it. Fresh start! Away from all the posts about my ex and how happy i was with him and the posts about how over him i am.. which are utter bullshit if im honest. Ill be writting everything on here so if you dont like it fuck off and if you do like it then great :)